


Once Everyone Starts Screaming

by flipflop_diva



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Banter, Crack, Crossover, Dating, Drinking & Talking, Gen, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Remix, Training
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-13 11:44:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18940249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flipflop_diva/pseuds/flipflop_diva
Summary: Rosa Diaz and Sam 'The Falcon' Wilson are dating. Rosa wants to break it off. The rest of the Nine-Nine, and especially Jake, has something to say about that.A remix of blackglass' 'You Can Hear It In the Silence [Podfic-Live Performance]'.





	Once Everyone Starts Screaming

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [You Can Hear It In the Silence [Podfic-Live Performance]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13729950) by [blackglass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackglass/pseuds/blackglass). 



> Thank you for offering this podfic up for remixing, blackglass! I had so much fun listening to it, and even more fun coming up with this. 
> 
> I hope everyone enjoys it!

“Okay, tell me, what’s the plan for this weekend?” Jake rolled his chair over to Rosa’s desk, the perma-grin that he had been wearing pretty much since he had first sat down next to Steve Rogers at a bar two weeks ago still plastered across his face like it was never coming off. “Do you think they’ll finally let us help them take down some evil, world-conquering villain?”

“Ohhhh, yes!” Charles cried out from right behind Jake. 

Jake turned around. “Weren’t you just sitting across the room?” he asked Charles, but he turned back to Rosa before Charles could answer. “I think I totally impressed them at the shooting range last weekend,” he told her. “I impressed them, right? And they’re totally going to let us help them?”

“You did not impress them,” Amy said, suddenly also standing right behind Jake.

“What? Of course I did! I hit the target thing every time!”

Amy rolled her eyes. “You know you’re supposed to hit the very center, right? Like Natasha did.” She said that last part with a dreamy look. 

“Yeah, well, she’s a robot or something, I don’t know,” Jake said. “The point is _Steve_ and _Sam_ ” — he said their names with emphasis, just to make sure anyone listening would know he was on a first name basis with Captain America and The Falcon, because, come on now, _he was on a first name basis with Captain America and The Falcon_ —“were _very_ impressed.”

“They were not,” Amy said again.

“What? Of course they were! They told me so!”

Charles nodded. “They did,” he said, his voice rising in excitement. “They said ‘Good shooting, Jake.’”

Charles grinned at Jake like that solved the matter. 

“See?” Jake said to Amy.

Amy sighed. “And as soon as they said that, Natasha snorted and Steve elbowed her and told her to be quiet. So no, they were not impressed, they were just humoring you.”

“What?!?!” Jake stared at Amy in horror. “Captain America does not humor anyone! He is very honest!”

“Yeah, I’m breaking up with Sam,” Rosa interjected.

The entire precinct went quiet. Literally. No one talked, or moved, or breathed. Phones didn’t ring. Gina didn’t text. Jake was pretty sure even the vending machines stopped their incessant humming.

And then …

“What?!?!?! Nooooooooooooooooooooo!” Jake screamed.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Charles shouted, covering his eyes.

“Oh god!” Amy cried, clasping her hands over her mouth.

Even Terry yelped. Hitchcock and Scully gasped. Gina put her phone down. And Captain Holt came out of his office.

“Did I just hear you say you’re breaking up with my nephew?” Captain Holt asked, his voice as monotone as normal. “Or are my ears deceiving me? It is past time I had them checked.”

“Come on, you guys,” Rosa said. “It’s not that a big deal.”

“It’s a huge deal!” Jake said. “They haven’t let us fight bad guys with them yet! And if I don’t fight bad guys with them, how am I going to be invited to join the Avengers? Did you think about that, Rosa, did you?”

“Yeah, Rosa, did you think about that?” Charles said. “And did you think about how I have your wedding dinner all planned out already? I’ve been working on it for weeks. Slaving away actually.”

Jake turned his attention to Charles. “What?” he said.

“We only met them two weeks ago,” Rosa said. “We’ve gone on six dates.”

“One does not have to be dating long to see true love,” Charles said.

“Whatever,” Terry interrupted. “You can’t break up with him. He promised to take me flying with his cool flying wing thing.”

“And Natasha and I are going to be besties. We just need to spend a _little_ more time together,” Amy said.

“You are not going to be besties,” Gina told her.

“We are, too!” Amy said indignantly.

“She doesn’t even like you,” Gina said.

“She’s right,” Rosa said. Amy huffed.

“You cannot break up with my nephew,” Captain Holt continued, like no one else had been speaking. “One simply does not break up with the friend of Captain America. You will tarnish the Nine-Nine reputation — and my reputation — forever. How will I ever be able to invite my nephew over for a Thanksgiving meal after this?”

“You all are being ridiculous,” Rosa said. “It’s not that big a deal.”

The screams of outrage that erupted suggested otherwise.

•••

In the end, Rosa agreed to postpone breaking up with Sam Wilson, aka The Falcon, for at least another week.

“You gotta give the guy a chance,” Amy had argued. “You’d said the sex was good.”

“It is,” Rosa said.

“And he’s funny. And he’s hot.”

“And he’s a goddamned superhero!” Terry had piped in.

“Fine,” Rosa said. “One week. But after that, if you’re not friends with them enough to warrant your own invitations, that’s on you.”

Jake thought that was a little harsh, but they all agreed. Besides, they were all going out to the bar again tonight, so all he had to do was convince Steve to take him along on whatever bad guy hunting mission they were obviously doing that weekend and then he would be in for life and he wouldn’t need Rosa to let him tag along on dates. And then he and Steve would be BFFs for life, and Steve would get Tony Stark to make Jake his very own super incredibly awesome superhero uniform and he’d come up with the perfect superhero name and all the villains in the world would be like “Ahhhh! It’s Taser Man!” or something cool like that, and he would jump off a helicopter with Steve, and Steve would throw his shield and Jake would tase the hell out of the villain and be like “Who’s in charge now, bitch?” and then there would be parades in his honor and galas and he’d be too cool to show up on time and he and Steve would hide out in Avengers Tower getting drunk and …

“Jake!”

“Ow!” Jake jumped at the finger that was suddenly stabbing him in the back.

Amy glared at him, then gesticulated wildly at a stack of files on her desk. “If we don’t get this paperwork done, then we’re not meeting anyone at a bar, and you can say goodbye to your dreams of being Taser Man or whatever.”

“Yeah,” Jake shook his head. “I really need a cooler name than that.” But he grudgingly picked up the folder that Amy threw at his head.

•••

“Please,” Jake slurred later that night, over his third? fourth? tenth? who knows? beer. He had lost count somewhere along the way, not that it mattered. What mattered was that he was sitting next to his new best friend Steve Rogers, who also was on his way to being completely not sober, thanks to some sort of special beer they served at their favorite cop bar, making now the perfect time — indeed, the very best perfect time — to plead his case on why he should be allowed to be an honorary Avenger. 

“You have to take me with you on your next bad guy hunting expedition,” Jake said, very super seriously to Steve. “I’m a super amazing super duper cop. I’d be so good. I can arrest anyone.”

“You are a super duper good cop,” Steve grinned, even though he had never seen Jake in action as a cop, but what did that matter?

“I am!” Jake said. “So take me with you!”

“No,” said Natasha.

She was sitting on Steve’s other side and did not appear to be even a tiny bit drunk. It was very annoying, mostly because she kept vetoing every idea Jake had.

“It would be so cool,” Jake said.

“It would be cool,” Steve agreed.

“No,” Natasha said again.

Jake leaned over to Steve. “Is she always this rude?” he whispered into his new best friend’s ear.

He saw Natasha roll her eyes. “I can hear you,” she said.

“How? I was whispering!” Jake looked at Steve. “I was whispering!”

“You were whispering,” Steve confirmed.

“You were shouting,” Natasha said.

“I think you just have super hearing,” Jake grouched.

“Nat has super everything!” Steve said enthusiastically, and Jake decided right then that maybe he really had been drinking too much. He was pretty sure he almost saw the Black Widow smile.

•••

Three hours later, Jake finally lifted a beer in celebration. He had done it. He had convinced the unconvincable Black Widow to let him come along the next time they needed to bring down a bad guy. He wasn’t totally sure how he had done it; he assumed his remarkable powers of persuasion, especially his last push where he recounted almost every criminal he had ever locked up in minute detail.

Or maybe it was whatever Gina kept pouring into Natasha’s glass that she kept drinking.

Whatever. Specifics didn’t matter. He had asked her to let him come and finally she had sighed — quite dramatically, he had thought — and said, “Fine. But if you get killed, I am not going to feel bad.”

“Yes!” Jake shouted, and he and Steve clinked their beer glasses and downed another round. After all the energy he’d just spent convincing Natasha, Jake was feeling a little drowsy, and he didn’t quite remember the bar spinning so much, but he was going to be an Avenger!

“I’m going to be an Avenger!” Jake said, this time out loud.

“You’ve said that fifty times,” Gina — who was still here? Huh. Jake thought she’d left when Rosa and Sam had disappeared from their table a while back — said.

But Gina was totally wrong. He hadn’t said that at all. Until now.

“I’m going to be an Avenger!” Jake said again.

And now he had said it a second time.

“No, you’re not,” Natasha said.

“You’re going to be an Avenger!” Steve cheered.

“This is the best night of my life,” Jake said.

•••

“This is the worst night of my life,” Jake moaned. He was lying on a gurney in the emergency room at the hospital. His whole body felt like he had been run over by a truck and then that truck had stopped, backed up over him and then drove over him again. He was sure he had at least five hundred broken bones and wounds that would never heal.

“The doctors said you’ll be fine,” Amy said. “Just some bruised ribs.”

That couldn’t be right.

“They need to check the X-rays again,” Jake groaned.

“I’m sure they know what they’re doing,” Amy told him.

Jake doubted that, but before he could have Amy investigate further, the curtain around his bed was pushed back, and in poked the heads of Steve Rogers and Steve’s former best friend — since Jake was of course the current best friend — Bucky Barnes.

“Hey,” Steve said, and oh my god, Captain America was worried about _him_. He really _was_ Jake’s best friend. “Are you okay?” Steve asked.

“He’ll be fine,” Amy replied before Jake could say anything. Jake shot her a look.

“I’ll be fine,” he said, even though he wouldn’t. But he couldn’t admit that to Captain America. “All battles leave scars right?”

“That wasn’t a battle,” Bucky said. “That was training.”

Jake ignored him and chose to focus on Steve.

Steve shrugged and gave Jake what looked like a very sympathetic smile. “Natasha said she’s sorry,” he told Jake. “She says she didn’t mean to kick you so hard.”

“Just caught me off guard,” Jake lied. “Could happen to anyone.”

Bucky didn’t look convinced. Steve tried to smile again.

“I’ll be ready next time,” Jake said.

This time Bucky and Steve glanced at each other, and then Steve stuffed his hands in his pocket.

“About that,” Steve said. “We’re not going to be seeing you guys anymore.”

“What?” Amy and Jake said in unison.

“Yeah, Sam and Rosa broke up,” Bucky said, “And we were just meeting up with you guys for him.”

“WHAT?!?!” Amy and Jake said in unison.

“Sorry?” Steve offered.

“I’m not,” Bucky said.

“But you were supposed to be my new BFF,” Jake said. “You’re not going to throw away my number, are you?”

“Of course not,” Steve said.

“And you’ll text? A lot?”

“Sure,” Steve said.

“Okay,” Jake said.

“Okay,” Amy echoed.

“See you around then, Jake,” Steve said.

“See you around, Captain America,” Jake said, and as the curtain closed behind where Captain America and the Winter Soldier had just stood, Jake felt even worse than before.

“Well,” Amy said, trying to sound cheerful but Jake could tell she was just as miserable as he was. “At least you can say you got beat up by an Avenger.”

Jake looked at her like she was crazy.

“No way,” he said. “I’m going to tell everyone I _beat up_ an Avenger!”

And that is exactly what he did.


End file.
